Tuesday 24 July 2012

The big meeting

Now, where did I get to? It has been a while. I think I have been for my 'big meeting' since I last wrote in here. I was dreading this meeting as I knew deep down what they were going to tell me. I had been hoping and praying that my blood test was innacurate and that the scans would be completely clear, unfortunately this wasn't to be and scans revealed small areas of mestatic ovarian cancer in my bowel and ascites in my abdomen. I felt sure this would mean straight back on the chemo but in fact the big bosses believe a conservative approach is appropriate at this time. They say the tumours are probably slow growing and that they should, in theory, be responsive to the Tamoxifen so we should wait and see. the ascites may well need to be drained, we are to see how I get on and how much pain I get to see what course of action we take. At present the pain is bearable so I'm just going with it.

In theory I was happy with this plan of action, of course I have no desire to be back on a chemo regime. However, I sometimes find it difficult to fully relax with the knowledge I have cancer cells just happily doing as they please inside me and I don't feel like I am doing very much to stop them! It is like they are having a little party all of there own and it makes me feel out of control of my body and I really don't like that feeling. The plan is to re-scan in August and see what has happened, if the tumours have spread or grown then it will be time to think about chemo. If they have stayed the same or got smaller then we know they are responding to the Tamoxifen and we continue with the conservative approach.

                   Well, they don't look much but these little feckers are charged with saving my life!


So this is my life now, constant back and forth, logistical battles against the enemy which is cancer. Of course so far I have won every time (good thing as I hate to lose!) It does get tiresome though and I would love to not have to worry about it for a  while. Also, if this continues to be active, there is no way I am going to get anywhere job wise or training wise. I would really quite like my life back at some point. I wish now that I had valued my good health in the past and not abused my body in the ways that I did. What an idiot! So much wasted time. Oh well, can't change so just have to accept it, right?!

In terms of my anaemia, not much has changed, transfusions are still regular and that doesn't look like changing anytime soon. The Tamoxifen seems to be battering my blood, I guess my body has been through so much it is now quite easily affected. This is another one of those things that I just have to accept.

In good news Wally is 6 weeks old now and is a very confident, happy, lively boy. I can't wait to bring him home in 2 weeks time :)

                                                                         Wally @ 6 weeks

Also, the sun is out so I really do feel soooooooo much better, physically and mentally. I think I was suffering from that seasonal affective disorder, in July! Life seems so much easier when the sun is shining....

Friday 6 July 2012

mud, mud, hills and more mud....

So, last Saturday was the big day. After the event was cancelled back in April when storm force wind and torrential rains were bringing down trees and our little tent was floating away I think I had secretly convinced myself it would never actually happen! I was wrong! Last Saturday I was up at the crack of dawn loading the horse box full of everything we needed plus quite a lot more... Why not we had space! Then off I went (after a 20min lecture from the step dad that is on what I should and should not do with the horse box!) to collect Laura. The drive went smoothly and I collected Laura and we made it down to Eastnor in good time. Before we headed off to set up camp we decided to stop and treat ouselves to a big lump of steak in preperation for what lay ahead.

                                                                    Check out how pale!

Once we had stocked up on some energy and iron we headed off to the beautiful Eastnor castle  which was to be the scene of the crime. We were met by a very muddy hill and the prospect of getting the lorry up it in order to camp so it was a foot down and hope moment, anyway, we made it and had set up home and got the kettle on within a couple of minutes, I like this camping in a lorry business!





                                                            Home for the night :)

We had the afternoon to sit and enjoy the unexpected appearance of the sun, by this point however the situation had become real, the nerves were starting to kick in and there was a party of butterflies going on inside my tummy, I tried to just kick back and take in the surroundings and indulge in a bit of people watching though.



Soon enough it was time to get ready and head over to the start, at this point we met up with some old timers who were coming down to race, in fact these are the people I hold responsible for talking me into such a crazy thing! So we headed over together, dropped off our change of clothes and got tattooed up. The atmosphere in the race village was fantastic and there were so many people around, all different types of people but all of them clearly up for a laugh and to test their bodies. There were a lot of people dressed up in various fancy dress outfits, probably also running for a charity and despite the churning nerves I started to feel happy to be there and be a part of it.

                                                                    Before the start...
                                                 Waiting at the start line with the others

when it came to starting the race we decided to go fairly early on as we knew we would be slower than most and it would be demoralising to end up last on the course so we headed off in the 2nd wave. The 1st few hundred meters lull you in to a false sense of 'oh, this is ok' and we set off at a happy (downhill) run. Then, straight away you are faced with the 1st hill, it is a never ending up, up, up and it was so hard. I felt my lungs would explode. no matter how deeply I breathed the oxygen would not get into my body, this is one of the problems with being anaemic, the body cannot meet the oxygen demands and I felt this straight away. Once we had made it to the top there was a fairly flat but boggy section and some down hill mud through the trees up until the 1st hurdle which we knew must be the 1km mark. At this point I was in so much pain and felt so ill I really didn't think I could carry on and I said to Laura I wouldn't be able to do the whole thing. She of course told me not to be so stupid and of course I could do it so that was that, we were in it for the long haul!

                                                                  Knackered!!!

By the end of the 1st km the mud really had not been too bad and I was beginning to think that people had over dramatised the extent of the mud, I was wrong! OMG! At times it was up to my waist, I never knew there were so many different types of mud. Thick mud, thin mud, sloppy mud, sticky mud. We had to run through it, jump in it, climb out of it and commando crawl through it, it was AWESOME! I actually longed for the sight of each mud pit because I knew that where there was a mud pit, there was not a hill, brilliant lol!

                                                                      Loving it!!!

The pain in my lungs continued and my body ached and a new, unidentified pain kicked in but I no longer wanted to quit, I had got into the zone and there was nothing going to stop me from finishing that race. By the time we hit 5km I felt I had got into a flow and had recovered my sense of humour and was starting to enjoy my self. I found the obstacles were a good bit of added fun and were good for counting off the distance as I knew there were 10 of them so each one done brought me closer to the end. When it came to the monkey bars I didn't even bother trying, there was an alternative cargo net next to it so I did that instead and when it came to the wall, it was a no go. This was in the last km and my legs were just jelly by then, but I don't mind, there is no shame in giving it a go and not making it! As for the lakes, they were lovely, we had to swim through 2 lakes and it was a good chance to get cleaned up! I was a little concerned by how warm they were and would rather not think about the reasons for this as it certainly wasn't from the sun!!! The muddy bank was a lot of fun and a lot easier than it looked but the finishing straight was horrific, it was up hill all the way to the finish line, what a depressing sight! Just as I approached the finish line my friend Clare came running up and was shouting encouragement which was lovely, she had clearly finished some time earlier as she was already dressed and clean!

As I finished I caught a glimpse of the timer and was gutted to see it said 3hrs 45 mins, I couldn't believe it had taken that long and felt rubbish about it. What I hadn't realised was that the timer had run through the junior race before us and not been reset to zero. Phew! It turned out or time was 2hrs38, well under the 3 hour goal I had set my self and I later learned we were not last and that the last person was 48mins slower so I was pretty happy with that :)

                                                                           The end!
                                                     
I can't describe to you how I felt at the end, either physically or emotionally. I was so happy and felt it was a little personal victory, I didn't cry but only because I wasn't physically capable. I had nothing left! Straight after the race the shakes started and I felt very wobbly and sick. In our goody bags we ere provided with Mars bars but of course being coeliac I couldn't eat mine. By the time I made it back to camp I felt to sick to eat. I was frozen so we made a cuppa and got into bed for a while, I couldn't seem to get rid of the shakes but couldn't manage to eat either.

Anyway, despite feeling a bit rough we decided we didn't want to miss the evenings entertainment so we took our drinks and headed over to the race village to enjoy the party and listen to the band. When we were there we met some boys and hung out with them for the evening. I only managed one cider though, I think anymore would have finished me off!

The next morning we had a bbq breakfast, packed up camp and took our aching bodies away home, smiling that we had decided not to do the race on the Sunday too!!!

This experience perhaps doesn't sound much to most people but to me it has affirmed that I do have fight left in me, I do have the strength of character to over come and that I can achieve, all I have to do is put my mind to it.This race took place 2 weeks short of the 1 year anniversary of my broken back and pelvis, I reckon I have done pretty well to be at the point where I could complete this race. Just shows, it is incredible what the body can bounce back from. I feel proud of myself and that is not something I have often felt. I also feel grateful, I may have had a lot thrown at me and the world has tried to finish me off on many occasions but I'm still here! The Sunday was my little girls birthday, I think she would have been proud of her mummy too.