The big meeting

Now, where did I get to? It has been a while. I think I have been for my 'big meeting' since I last wrote in here. I was dreading this meeting as I knew deep down what they were going to tell me. I had been hoping and praying that my blood test was innacurate and that the scans would be completely clear, unfortunately this wasn't to be and scans revealed small areas of mestatic ovarian cancer in my bowel and ascites in my abdomen. I felt sure this would mean straight back on the chemo but in fact the big bosses believe a conservative approach is appropriate at this time. They say the tumours are probably slow growing and that they should, in theory, be responsive to the Tamoxifen so we should wait and see. the ascites may well need to be drained, we are to see how I get on and how much pain I get to see what course of action we take. At present the pain is bearable so I'm just going with it.

In theory I was happy with this plan of action, of course I have no desire to be back on a chemo regime. However, I sometimes find it difficult to fully relax with the knowledge I have cancer cells just happily doing as they please inside me and I don't feel like I am doing very much to stop them! It is like they are having a little party all of there own and it makes me feel out of control of my body and I really don't like that feeling. The plan is to re-scan in August and see what has happened, if the tumours have spread or grown then it will be time to think about chemo. If they have stayed the same or got smaller then we know they are responding to the Tamoxifen and we continue with the conservative approach.

                   Well, they don't look much but these little feckers are charged with saving my life!


So this is my life now, constant back and forth, logistical battles against the enemy which is cancer. Of course so far I have won every time (good thing as I hate to lose!) It does get tiresome though and I would love to not have to worry about it for a  while. Also, if this continues to be active, there is no way I am going to get anywhere job wise or training wise. I would really quite like my life back at some point. I wish now that I had valued my good health in the past and not abused my body in the ways that I did. What an idiot! So much wasted time. Oh well, can't change so just have to accept it, right?!

In terms of my anaemia, not much has changed, transfusions are still regular and that doesn't look like changing anytime soon. The Tamoxifen seems to be battering my blood, I guess my body has been through so much it is now quite easily affected. This is another one of those things that I just have to accept.

In good news Wally is 6 weeks old now and is a very confident, happy, lively boy. I can't wait to bring him home in 2 weeks time :)

                                                                         Wally @ 6 weeks

Also, the sun is out so I really do feel soooooooo much better, physically and mentally. I think I was suffering from that seasonal affective disorder, in July! Life seems so much easier when the sun is shining....