The day before tomorow...

Sitting here after a long day and a glass too many of wine and quietly pooping myself! I thought I should take this moment to write a post, just in case it turns out to be my last :-o

Tomorrow is Mudrunner, this has seemed like one of those things that would never come around and yet here we are, saying it is tomorrow. Training was going so well until the dreaded lurgy hit a few weeks ago and then almost as soon as I was over that, there I was stuck in bloody hospital again, so here I am packing in my excuses lol! The last few weeks have been a write off training wise and my general well being is a bit below average at the moment. However my will is strong and if there is any possible way I can drag this sorry state of a body around that course then I wil1! I have a feeling the event will be living up to its name and mud will be in plentyful supply. I had been dreaming of a balmy summers evening jaunt through the countryside followed by a few ciders and a bit of a giggle. I have a feeling I was delusional! It is going to be tough, but hey what an achievement and I reckon the old wreck can manage it one way or another lol! Bring it on!!!

Wednesday this week I spent at the hospital, had a whole bunch of scans to get through. the doctors have a few concerns and basically we are looking at whether or not I will need to be back on treatment. Scans are done now and I will discover my immediate fate Friday, nothing I can do now so just got to chill out about it and what will be will be. Scan day was  uneventful other than being delayed by the Olympic torch passing through Boston and I managed to squeeze in a lovely lunch with the twins and Nats two beatiful little girls so couldn't really complain about the day. :)

In other news, I went and tried out the spinning class at my gym on Monday... OMG! It was bloody terrible, the guy counted down the last 10 beats of every 16 in monotone, this made me want to hurt him! He then set us off into a full speed ahead sprint on the last track and left us in it for a full 3.5 minutes, without saying a word.... No motivation, no counting, no indication of when the pain may end, just long, drawn out, sprinting. Then once this track  was done, it was straight off the bike to stretch, no cool down, no bringing down the heart rate, I nearly bloody fell over my head was spinning so fast!! Terrible class!

Anyway, so if I survive I will blog again.... Hope you all have an easier wk end than me lol!!!

One of those moods...

Hmmmm, not very happy today. Not sure what as got up my nose really other than I'm just feeling a bit flat and fed up. I spent most of Friday at the hospital, mostly being told how poorly I am and how I need to make allowances for this and how my body has been through and is going through a lot and that I should be careful about my expectations. Well, do you know what I say to all that bullshit? F#!* off, thats what! Well done NHS, if you wanted to steal my thunder and put me in a downer then well done, you did a great job!

Sometimes, and I know I'm not supposed to say this as I'm supposed to be happy and positive and jolly all the but but I don't care, sometimes I think life is a little bit unfair! I really don't want to moan but I really never have been a lucky person, some of the shit I have had to put up with over the years and continue to put up with I reckon its about time someone else gave it a go! I'm bored of hospital, I'm bored of being tired, I'm bored of all the things I can't do and I'm bored that it is never bloody ending! Naff off bad luck, go pick on someone else. Sometimes I realy hate some of the thoughts and feelings I have. Like there are times when I see someone who has been poorly and they are all better and they can get straight back on with their lives and of course I'm happy for them, everyone deserves that chance, but at the same time I feel jealous. What a bitch! I hate that but I can't help it sometimes.

So I picked up my CA125 on Friday too,been avoind doing so and now I realise why, its because I wasn't ready for the result to not be as good as I hoped. I was was hoping for below 30 i.e normal. I got 65. So what does that mean, well, something or nothing, who knows. Got scans on Wednesday so should tell us more but what is the betting it means I need chemo??? Odds on I reckon. So here I am, waiting, again. No news on my bowel biopsies yet, who knows what is going on there. Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see.....

Anyway,  know this is a shitty post but hey, I'm in a shitty mood. Gonna try and have a run in the morning, hopefully sort me out a bit!

...every beat of my heart

Now, where did I get to? Oh yes, my heart, well my heart has always caused issues. Way back when I was 18 and training to be an aerobics instructor I wasn’t allowed to continue with the course until I had the all clear from a doctor after they discovered my resting heart rate was around 120 beats per minute. So, off I went to the doctor and then the hospital and was given an ECG, chest X-Ray, Stress test and a scan and they couldn’t find any problem other than the speed of the beats. Since then it has always been fast, it dropped a little when my thyroid was bad but generally it sits high. Each time I go to hospital it tends to be brought up and looked at briefly but generally without too much concern. However over the last 6 months or so it has been becoming very erratic, when I get ill with infection or whatever else it is all over the place and has been becoming a growing concern for the doctors. When I had the colonoscopy and experienced a high level of pain my heart rate went through the roof and of course they were worried. So when the doctor came to talk to me he ordered an ECG and the result was abnormal. They then got some other doctor to come and speak to me and he admitted me to the cardiac ward. Actually quite a scary thing to happen, I got hooked up to machines and was put on hourly obs. I was given the chat about how my illness has been putting such a strain on my heart, particularly with the level of anaemia I have been suffering for such a long period of time. They said I needed some tests and that I need to stay so stay I did. Of course nothing happened over the weekend and I just sat around in what felt like gods waiting room, I don’t think too many of those people were going to be with us for much longer and it was a pretty depressing place to be. So Monday came and things started happening and I was eventually allowed home Tuesday night, it felt like a long stay! So I was allowed out as long as I was ‘careful’ really this was not specific and so I think is open to interpretation! I have a clinic appointment on Friday so I’m guessing I will find out more then.  In the meantime, I not sure how worried I need to be so I’m going with not worried at all!

                                                                      

                                                                         My baby boy :)

On a more exciting note, today I bought a puppy :-D I can’t have a baby so this will be my surrogate child lol…. He is only 2 weeks old at the moment and so I have to wait 6 whole weeks before he can come home but I guess it is nice to have something to look forward to. He is a Springer Spaniel crossed with a Collie so should be clever but probably a bit hyper, should keep me busy. I have called him Wallace Thornton Esquire, Wally the sprollie for short lol. I have wanted my own dog since forever and have never been in a position to have one. Now I may be ill but I do have a lot of flexibility in my life at the moment so seems to be a good time really. If something does happen to me and I can no longer care for him, or I’m not around anymore my Mum will look after him so I can’t really see a reason to stop me. So happy and so excited!!!

The wrong direction down a one way street...

Just like all nasty things in life,  ‘prep’ day came along quick as a flash. Of course being the organised person I am I had not yet filled my prescription, not thinking that it is not an item likely to be kept in stock in any of the back of beyond pharmacies in the middle of nowhere I now call home. So I started the day with a nice relaxing ride (I wish!) this turned out to be a mammoth fight about going past the pig farm which ended with both me and her at the bottom of a pig shit filled ditch, great start to the day! After this little bit of excitement of I went to fill my prescription, 4 towns and 6 pharmacies later I was home and armed with the required drugs and trying to convince myself to actually swallow the first dose. Turns out I need not have worried, the lack of food available to me on the train home from Scotland the previous day combined with the avoidance of food on that day meant that there was very little action to be had! So other than extreme nausea and a banging head ache combined with some tummy cramps things were not too bad J So I had myself an early night in anticipation of the next dose to be taken at 5am, I can tell you getting up at 5am to take something that tastes that bad is really not an easy task! Anyway, 5.15am, dose swallowed and things are starting to happen. The next 3 hours I will spare you the details of but let’s just say I didn’t stray too far from the bathroom!!!

So 09.30 and its time to head off for my 10.15 appointment, sat in the waiting room surrounded by old folk, I had one of those ‘why me moments’ I must have been a good 30 years younger than anyone else in there and really that is the story of my life lately, experiencing time and time again things that should be saved for my twightlight years, if ever. After a not long enough wait I was called through for my turn, admission paperwork completed, obs done, gown changed into and cannula inserted I suddenly found myself on the table, knees tucked up to chest and with some bloke whose first name I didn’t even know shoving something rather large where the sun doesn’t shine. Straight in my eye line was a big screen showing in great detail my colon in all its glory! Now at this point I will say I had signed up for the sedation and indeed they did put something through the cannula, however I felt now signs of sedation. I remember the whole procedure very clearly and certainly remember the discomfort of every bend and turn made by the camera, sedation my a*#!....

I did have some concerns that the prep had not done its job properly as there was such a delayed start to the action but luckily I was proven wrong and the ‘corridors were clear’ lol! Apart that is, from one rogue pea, it looked giant on screen and caused untold issues as the suction devise failed to shift said pea and the machine chose that moment, half way up my colon, to break down, who else but me could be that lucky??! All that was needed though was a simple valve replacement to fix the issue, if only someone knew where said valve was kept…  ! 1st one, then a 2^nd nurse scurried off on a hunt and I lay there patiently in my compromising position until they eventually returned, equipment was repaired and the grand tour could continue. The procedure was due to take about half an hour; I ended up in there for an hour and 40 mins! Bits were removed, biopsies were taken and bleeding was treated and by the end I was sweating so badly from the pain I thought I must be having the procedure done in a sauna, I say again, sedation my a*#!!!! They say you can stop at any time, but there is no way you would do that as it would mean you have to go through the whole thing again, not a chance!  

Eventually the adventure was over and I was wheeled off to recovery, I was advised of my potential wooziness, I was not woozy, I was straight up on my feet and asking for a cuppa, followed shortly by the nurse barking for me to get back into bed and recover first…. I was bloody recovered!!! Anyway, after their set out time frame I was allowed to get up and have a cup of tea and the lovely other nurse (the one that doesn’t bark) brought me tea and biscuits, such a lovely thought but so cruel to a coeliac who has been on starvation for 26 hours and can only sit and look at the delicious biscuits L

So, it was at this point I was expecting to be told I could get dressed and they would call my Mum however that is not what happened, instead I was asked to wait as the doctor would like to speak to me  and they continued to withhold my clothes and left me cannulated, never, ever a good sign! Eventually the twitchy doctor with the progressive stutter and a penchant for sticking things in my every orifice showed up and started his speech with Miss Fahy; we need to talk about your irregular heart beat…. Urgh, here we go…

….to be continued!!!

my 1st blog, by popular demand!

Well, here it is folks. You all kept asking for it (OK so you asked for a book but seriously, how much time do you think I have on my hands!). Moral of the story, be careful what you ask for as you are now going to be bombarded by my inane ramblings!

I would like to think that really I have started this far too late in life as I hoping there are very few drama's left to come my way! If you know me, you will know my story, if you don't, well maybe one day you will catch up :)

Really you have caught me writing my first blog when I have not much positive to say. I just got news that my 'friend', I say friend, really we were cyber friends who only met on handful of occassions, has passed away. We were diognosed within a week of each other and been a big part of each others cancer journeys. I really don't want to make her death all about me but just to say it really is hard to get your head around losing a person who has been fighting the exact same battle you have, it really does put things into perspective and makes me so grateful for how far I have come. I can't pretend to understand any of this and I have no idea why she had to die and yet, here I am going strong so I am not going to dwell on the thought. I just wish the world to know what an amazing person she was and how deeply I will miss this virtual stranger in times when I just don't understand whats happening and I no longer have her wise word and sense of humour to turn to. RIP .

So, anyway, not a cheery start to my blogging career but there you are, like I said... You asked for it!

Olympic fever and a Scottish love

Hello folks. Just to start, I would like to brag a little that I have managed to be ill (it was verging on man flu, very bad!) and not had to be admitted to the hospital! Very pleased with that result, especially as it means I did not have to miss coming to beautiful Scotland and even more importantly didn't have to miss my amazing friend Lindsay have her moment in the spotlight and carry the Olympic flame. This was a very special day and I am so happy I was able to be a part of it. It was a great occasion, well organised, good spirited and it didn't even rain.... Amazing!

I am still in Scotland now, spending a few days in my 2nd home of Dunoon and remembering all the reasons why I love to come here. I always tend to fight the Scottish thing, my Mum is so proud of her Sottish blood that she tends to dismiss the English part, I tend to rebel against this by embracing my Irish blood but I have to say when I do come here I feel at home and can understand the pride that she and so many others feel to be a part of the place. Perhaps I should work on embracing my Scottish side a little more, maybe I could buy a kilt or something!

It has crossed my mind more than once that I should move up here and if it wasn't for Evie that would be a no brainer however I just don't think I can be that far away from her while she is so young I love being a part of her life and think it could be a sacrifice too far, no matter how beautiful the air and the mountains and the lochs :)

It has been lovely spending time with Lindsay and family and having a catch up and the whole trip has been great. I got to explore some areas I have never been to before in the far north of the country and finally made it all the way to John O'Groats. It was there I met a fantastically inspirational lady who had just completed the cycle ride from Lands End, she has been fighting cancer for the past 3 years and this has been the driving force behind her desire to complete the bike ride along with several members of her family. What brought this group of riders to our attention in the 1st place was the sight of one of them sat having his photo taken holding the Horncastle news, our local paper! Turns out they were from just a few miles from where we live, its a small world! Anyway, I came away from this chance encounter feeling inspired and with a renewed will to keep on going, so thanks to that very special lady and good luck to her in all her future ventures.

So, home tomorrow on an epic 8hr train journey with 4 changes! Yuk. Then Thursday is prep day for colonoscopy so won't be moving very far from the bathroom! Then Friday the procedure and I would imagine very soon after that I will be getting another blood transfusion as I have been losing blood at an alarming rate for the past 10 days. So there it is, an amazing trip away but time to head back to reality.

On the plus side, I actually managed to make it back into the gym yesterday, good job as it is less than 3 weeks until mudrunner now :-o