One of those moods...

Hmmmm, not very happy today. Not sure what as got up my nose really other than I'm just feeling a bit flat and fed up. I spent most of Friday at the hospital, mostly being told how poorly I am and how I need to make allowances for this and how my body has been through and is going through a lot and that I should be careful about my expectations. Well, do you know what I say to all that bullshit? F#!* off, thats what! Well done NHS, if you wanted to steal my thunder and put me in a downer then well done, you did a great job!

Sometimes, and I know I'm not supposed to say this as I'm supposed to be happy and positive and jolly all the but but I don't care, sometimes I think life is a little bit unfair! I really don't want to moan but I really never have been a lucky person, some of the shit I have had to put up with over the years and continue to put up with I reckon its about time someone else gave it a go! I'm bored of hospital, I'm bored of being tired, I'm bored of all the things I can't do and I'm bored that it is never bloody ending! Naff off bad luck, go pick on someone else. Sometimes I realy hate some of the thoughts and feelings I have. Like there are times when I see someone who has been poorly and they are all better and they can get straight back on with their lives and of course I'm happy for them, everyone deserves that chance, but at the same time I feel jealous. What a bitch! I hate that but I can't help it sometimes.

So I picked up my CA125 on Friday too,been avoind doing so and now I realise why, its because I wasn't ready for the result to not be as good as I hoped. I was was hoping for below 30 i.e normal. I got 65. So what does that mean, well, something or nothing, who knows. Got scans on Wednesday so should tell us more but what is the betting it means I need chemo??? Odds on I reckon. So here I am, waiting, again. No news on my bowel biopsies yet, who knows what is going on there. Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see.....

Anyway,  know this is a shitty post but hey, I'm in a shitty mood. Gonna try and have a run in the morning, hopefully sort me out a bit!