Hi!!!! Wow, it has been a little while since my last update and soooooooooooo much has happened in that time. I don't know where to start so here is a brief resume to start with.
As I am sure you will all remember I had been told that it was that time I look forward to again, chemo time! I was waiting for my appointment to get the regime sorted etc etc. That appointment came and we got a schedule sorted, drug decided and a date ready to go. As always happens in my life a spanner was well and tuely thrown into the works and that very same day I received a call from a lady in Ireland wanting to talk to me about a job in Ireland. That was me thrown into days of deliberation, back and forth with the decision. I knew sensibly that it was a crazy idea to head off to a new country and new job and that point in my life but I also knew deep on my heart exactly what I was going to do!
I spoke to friends and I spoke to aquaintances and I spoke to professionals and I got a mixed bag of opinions. None of those really mattered though because I already knew exactly what I was going to do! Still, its manners to ask lol!
So the first phone call came on the Thursday and by the Monday the job was mine, my notice to the job from hell was in and the wheels were in motion for my next big move. It was all a bit of a whirl wind, I had 17 days to get sorted and let me tell you when half of those are work days and when you have bloody cancer to accomadate, that aint many!
Anyway, I won't bore you with all the details, only to say I don't think my Boston consultant could have been any less impressed, ha, it made me laugh a little :) So anyway, the day came round very quickly when it was time to head off, of course I gave my self too much to do and no time to do it but with my life packed in the car, for the second time in less than a week I wet off, a few stops along the way and a night spent in Cov seeing the besties. Thursday I headed off to Wales, well I tried. The weather, fate, god, allah and a few others beside all conspired against me and made it as difficult as they possibly could for me to reach my destination of Holyhead. My easy 3 hour tootle turned into a mammoth 16 hour horror ride! Several hours sat on the dual carriage way and many more driving in the pitch black along what seemed to be a torrential river in a hurricane! So my luxury night enjoying a beautiful hotel was not meant to be but hey I was just grateful to make it there alive!!!
At this point I still wasn't sure if the ferry would be running, it had been cancelled that day and I wasn't too sure what the weather had in store for the next day. TBH though I was too tired to care....
Next day, it was like it never happened, the world was bright and beautiful and calm and so after enjoying a shortened version of my fancy hotel I set off for the ferry. Now as some of you know, ferries are not my favorite mode of transport, I don't trust them, I don't have see legs and I just generally dislike the whole experience. Well in line with the rest of the journey, the crossing was pure hell! Poor old Wally had to stay in the car while I went off upstairs, as if the 16 hours the previous day in the car wasn't enough for the poor boy! Anyway, as soon as we set off the captained piped up with his ever so funny repartoire of just how rough the sea was adn then the young man brought round the sick bags. well, that was it for me, off I went and threw up twice, nice! So I took my self to the centre of the ferry, curled up on the floor and made my self go to sleep, I figured if I was asleep, I couldn't be sick. It worked and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in Dublin!
To be continued.....
Wednesday 12 December 2012
Friday 26 October 2012
Back to where we started...
It has not been a good couple of weeks for me. I am used to a certain amount of pain/discomfort and generally I can handle it without too much trouble or moaning! However over the last few weeks, the pain has become much worse and much, much harder to tolerate until Tuesday night when I was literally on my hands and knees all night crying out. Not like me at all. It got to the point where I just felt I couldn't take it for a moment longer and so I took myself to casualty. Well, what an adventure that was! Seemed to me they didn't know their arse from there elbow. I was kept waiting for nearly 3 hours before I even got to see a doctora and in that time I was offered a paracetamol for the pain, hmm, if only I had thought of taking one of those, could have saved myself a journey!
Anyway, once I finally did get to see a doctor I think they did slowly start to register an understanding about my condition and things started to happen. I managed to get onto a morphine drip (yay!) hospital is always way more fun when you are on one of those babies lol. I was then thouroughly examined (in the way only a doctor can get away with) and was scanned, bloods taken etc. They couldn't find anything out of the ordinary for me but decided to get one of the consultants who knows me to come say Hi. This meant a long wait as he wasn't on shift until the afternoon but at least I was reassured I would be seeeing someone who knew what they were talking about.
Once I had been visited by the consultant I was sent home with an outpatients appointment for the Friday and a bag of drugs that would have been worth a small fortune in jail! Up to this point the dreaded chemo word had not been mentioned but somehow I knew it was coming. So friday came round and off I went to the hospital feeling very apprehensive. You must all know that feeling when you know what you are about to be told but you don't want to hear the words out loud. I swear I had to sit on my hands so as not to put them over my ears! So it turns out not only have the ascites got worse, my CA125 score has suddenly gone through the roof. this is a fair indication the cancer is active and there may well be something going on that is not showing up on the scans. So the big boss man feels it is time to get started on another chemo course, get things blasted before they get out of hand.
So thats me, off to see the oncologist next week to get a plan and then back into the awful cycle of chemo. I am so sad and dissapointed that I am here yet again such a short time after the last lot. Its about 10 months since I finished the last couse and about 7 months since my radio. No time at all really. Its not like during that time I have enjoyed the freedom of good health. Oh well, onwards and upwards.I can't change anything. The ony option I have is don't have the chemo and take my chances with a disease which by all accounts has been quite determined to get me. I think we all know how that would work out!!! So I will be a good girl and will put up and shut up. I am also gonna have to go back and get my abdomen drained and possibly a further proceedure to fix my ever growing mass of granulated scar tissue. Wow, life is full of fun treats!!!
Anyway, once I finally did get to see a doctor I think they did slowly start to register an understanding about my condition and things started to happen. I managed to get onto a morphine drip (yay!) hospital is always way more fun when you are on one of those babies lol. I was then thouroughly examined (in the way only a doctor can get away with) and was scanned, bloods taken etc. They couldn't find anything out of the ordinary for me but decided to get one of the consultants who knows me to come say Hi. This meant a long wait as he wasn't on shift until the afternoon but at least I was reassured I would be seeeing someone who knew what they were talking about.
Once I had been visited by the consultant I was sent home with an outpatients appointment for the Friday and a bag of drugs that would have been worth a small fortune in jail! Up to this point the dreaded chemo word had not been mentioned but somehow I knew it was coming. So friday came round and off I went to the hospital feeling very apprehensive. You must all know that feeling when you know what you are about to be told but you don't want to hear the words out loud. I swear I had to sit on my hands so as not to put them over my ears! So it turns out not only have the ascites got worse, my CA125 score has suddenly gone through the roof. this is a fair indication the cancer is active and there may well be something going on that is not showing up on the scans. So the big boss man feels it is time to get started on another chemo course, get things blasted before they get out of hand.
So thats me, off to see the oncologist next week to get a plan and then back into the awful cycle of chemo. I am so sad and dissapointed that I am here yet again such a short time after the last lot. Its about 10 months since I finished the last couse and about 7 months since my radio. No time at all really. Its not like during that time I have enjoyed the freedom of good health. Oh well, onwards and upwards.I can't change anything. The ony option I have is don't have the chemo and take my chances with a disease which by all accounts has been quite determined to get me. I think we all know how that would work out!!! So I will be a good girl and will put up and shut up. I am also gonna have to go back and get my abdomen drained and possibly a further proceedure to fix my ever growing mass of granulated scar tissue. Wow, life is full of fun treats!!!
Monday 15 October 2012
hop along...
Hello folks, thanks for coming back to catch up with me. It has been ages since my last post, truth is I have not been in the right frame of mind to be writing about my feelings or about the happenings in this crazy life of mine. I have struggled over the last month or so to really see anything in a positive light and have found life a bit of a drag. However, I think I am starting to see the light and although nothing has actually really changed I am starting to feel more myself.
So last time I posted I was still waiting on my latest results and was starting to feel quite worked up about everything, patience has never been my strong point! Well the day finally came and I headed off to the hospital for my appointment with the big boss man. The news really was that there was no news! By this I mean nothing had changed, no growth or spread but no reduction either. According to the powers that be this is positive news. Now, I understand the theory behind this, it means that the drugs are keeping the cancer at bay to some degree. However, I find it difficult to walk around day in day out aware that there is cancer still in my body and that despite the drugs I am taking on a daily basis it hasn't gone anywhere. It feels to me like I am walking around with a ticking time bomb inside me and all I really want to do is cut it all out. I understand the rational facts but they don't always over ride the deep emotional reactions.
The last month I have had a couple of hospital admissions, I have had problems with my potassium levels and had to have this as an IV and my heart has been an ongoing concern. The blood transfusions are still a regular event and that doesn't seem like changing any time soon. It seems there are more and more bits of me starting to go wrong but I suppose that is understandable considering everything my body has coped with up til now.
On top of everything else the stooooopid horse took a big old leap in the air and landed nicely on top of my foot resultin in broken metatarsals 2,3 & 4!!! No plaster luckily just a weird 'air cast' boot which I am supposed to use fro walking (supposed to being the operative word!!!).
The Aspire channel swim is going well so far, I am nearly nine miles accross now out of a total of 22 miles. My best swim to date was 74 lengths so well over a mile, very happy with that :)
http://www.aspirechannelswim.co.uk/lucyfahy
Check it out!
Wally dog is totally awesome and is doing really well with his training. His repotoire now includes sit stay, down stay, both paws, roll over, splat, comando crawl, leave it and many more.... Such a genius puppy :)
So last time I posted I was still waiting on my latest results and was starting to feel quite worked up about everything, patience has never been my strong point! Well the day finally came and I headed off to the hospital for my appointment with the big boss man. The news really was that there was no news! By this I mean nothing had changed, no growth or spread but no reduction either. According to the powers that be this is positive news. Now, I understand the theory behind this, it means that the drugs are keeping the cancer at bay to some degree. However, I find it difficult to walk around day in day out aware that there is cancer still in my body and that despite the drugs I am taking on a daily basis it hasn't gone anywhere. It feels to me like I am walking around with a ticking time bomb inside me and all I really want to do is cut it all out. I understand the rational facts but they don't always over ride the deep emotional reactions.
The last month I have had a couple of hospital admissions, I have had problems with my potassium levels and had to have this as an IV and my heart has been an ongoing concern. The blood transfusions are still a regular event and that doesn't seem like changing any time soon. It seems there are more and more bits of me starting to go wrong but I suppose that is understandable considering everything my body has coped with up til now.
On top of everything else the stooooopid horse took a big old leap in the air and landed nicely on top of my foot resultin in broken metatarsals 2,3 & 4!!! No plaster luckily just a weird 'air cast' boot which I am supposed to use fro walking (supposed to being the operative word!!!).
The Aspire channel swim is going well so far, I am nearly nine miles accross now out of a total of 22 miles. My best swim to date was 74 lengths so well over a mile, very happy with that :)
http://www.aspirechannelswim.co.uk/lucyfahy
Check it out!
Wally dog is totally awesome and is doing really well with his training. His repotoire now includes sit stay, down stay, both paws, roll over, splat, comando crawl, leave it and many more.... Such a genius puppy :)
So, next up is repeat scans in November... Hoping and praying for a change in the right direction. I need a break from the worry!
Watch this space!!!
Thursday 6 September 2012
The waiting game
I haven't written in my Blog for ages, for one I haven't felt inspired and for two I was hoping to be able to report good news in my next posting. Trouble is I have had to wait ages for theis next set of results. I went about 3 weeks back and had all me repeat scans and a repeat colonoscopy done but due to me being away etc I have not yet had the results. The colonoscopy was a joy, as ever. I swear these doctors have not noted the one way sign at that particular entrance! At least this time I feel I was properly sedated and I remember very little about what happened. I remember being picked up and vague flashes of discomfort etc but no where near as much detail as last time. This time it was tough though because everyone was away so when I got home I still had the ponies to muck out and feed etc, all the watering to do, the chickens to sort out and hardest of all the puppy to entertain. Plus having not eaten for 24hrs I needed food but was so tired cooking was the last thing I wanted to do! Unfortunately, being coeliac, takeaway is no longer a realistic option so I just had to take a deep breath and get on with it.So I did and it was fine but I have to admit to having a little cry that night, mainly through discomfort, exhaustion and frustration. Don't worry, it was only a little tear and the X-Factor soon sorted me out lol!
The thing now is, the longer I wait, the less I want to hear what they have to say! The whole thing has started to grow legs in my head and I now feel like it is going to be bad news. If it is bad news, I really don't want to hear it, I'm happy in my little bubble and don't wish to have it burst! I have a new job which I am terrorfied I will lose if I end up on treatment again. Plus, I don't think I can take any more emotionally. I am done with this roller coaster, I want to get off and that is that! Anyway, doesn't really matter what I want, it aint up to me at the end of the day so I guess I will just have to suck it up and get on with it, as ever!
Next week I get a blood test re:coeliac and if it comes back negative then I can start re-introducing oats to my diet, very excited about this as porridge season is nearly upon us!
My Aspire channel swim starts next week and I have done 0 training, I did one swim several weeks ago and nothing since, haven't even been in the gym. I have just been feeling so tired, can't seem to get going but have decided tonight is the night and am heading back to the gym to see what I can do. I really need my old gym buddies back to help motivate me. It is so hard when you have to do it on your own! Oh well, all that swimming will soon start upping my fitness again. Just need to find my mojo....
Wally has settled in really well, he is the best puppy ever (OK so I am biased but he is pretty well behaved!). He is getting so big now, in fact, in 4 weeks he doubled in weight! It is so lovely having him and we had a great time on our little jaunt to the Lakes and Scotland. Was also nice to catch up with lots of friends, we had a really lovely week away. Good times!
Right, well Friday is the day so I will update you in due course. Hopefully I will be able to come back and say I am cancer free. Wouldn't that be nice?!
The thing now is, the longer I wait, the less I want to hear what they have to say! The whole thing has started to grow legs in my head and I now feel like it is going to be bad news. If it is bad news, I really don't want to hear it, I'm happy in my little bubble and don't wish to have it burst! I have a new job which I am terrorfied I will lose if I end up on treatment again. Plus, I don't think I can take any more emotionally. I am done with this roller coaster, I want to get off and that is that! Anyway, doesn't really matter what I want, it aint up to me at the end of the day so I guess I will just have to suck it up and get on with it, as ever!
Next week I get a blood test re:coeliac and if it comes back negative then I can start re-introducing oats to my diet, very excited about this as porridge season is nearly upon us!
My Aspire channel swim starts next week and I have done 0 training, I did one swim several weeks ago and nothing since, haven't even been in the gym. I have just been feeling so tired, can't seem to get going but have decided tonight is the night and am heading back to the gym to see what I can do. I really need my old gym buddies back to help motivate me. It is so hard when you have to do it on your own! Oh well, all that swimming will soon start upping my fitness again. Just need to find my mojo....
Wally has settled in really well, he is the best puppy ever (OK so I am biased but he is pretty well behaved!). He is getting so big now, in fact, in 4 weeks he doubled in weight! It is so lovely having him and we had a great time on our little jaunt to the Lakes and Scotland. Was also nice to catch up with lots of friends, we had a really lovely week away. Good times!
Right, well Friday is the day so I will update you in due course. Hopefully I will be able to come back and say I am cancer free. Wouldn't that be nice?!
Tuesday 7 August 2012
Blue lights and chest drains...
Drama, drama, drama, I wouldn't be me if there wasn't a bit of drama to report. Since my last post I have been to that place I call my 2nd home, the hospital. I had been struggling with a chest infection for a week or so but being the stubborn idiot that I am, I refused to go to the doctor as I didn't want to end up being kept in. So anyway, one evening I became quite unwell, was unable to breath and eventually collapsed in a heap and needed an ambulance. So I was rushed of to the hospital, prodded and poked, x-rayed and scanned. Bodily fluids of several guises were extracted and eventually I was told I had Pneumonia and a pleural effusion in the lung that has not been treated in the past. When I decided to have just the one lung done before, I should have known this would happen! Anyway, once they stabilised me the treatment was simple enough, antibiotics and a chest drain. The chest drain is not the most comfortable proceedure in the world but I have had worse. The worst part is being stuck in the bed while it is done, my drain was in for about 24hrs so I had to be catheterised which is always pleasant!!! Anyway, once I was drained and my temp was stable I was out pretty quickly, just had to return daily for the next 7 days for IV antibiotics. A small price to pay for release! So here I am with the decision of whether to get this lung done with the powder to prevent future attacks. I don't particuarly want to go through that proceedure again but equally the last thing I want is a repeat of the pleural effusion which is more than likely to happen without the treatment :(
Anyway, I went back to see the consultant on Monday and my chest is perfect (his words, not mine!). My stitch has healed nicely nad he has given me the go ahead for some light excercise. No running or anything crazy like that but I am allowed to get in the pool and get swimming (gently!) As if I can swim any other way! So this leads me to my next challenge. I have signed up for a swim the channel event, don't worry, I don't have to swim the ACTUAL channel, just the distance of 22miles in 12 weeks, easy right? Shame I am such a rubbish swimmer! It is a charity event though and so will be worth the 90 odd lengths a week. It is for a charity called Aspire who help people with spinal injuries. Having been there mself and being lucky enough to have recovered fully from my injury it is special to me to be able to raise money for such a great cause. Even better I have managed to recruit quite a few unsuspecting friends :)
In other news, poor old Widget died in her sleep yesterday, she was 16 years old and had a great life, she was an amazing dog and we will miss her greatly. RIP upside down dog xxx
Anyway, I went back to see the consultant on Monday and my chest is perfect (his words, not mine!). My stitch has healed nicely nad he has given me the go ahead for some light excercise. No running or anything crazy like that but I am allowed to get in the pool and get swimming (gently!) As if I can swim any other way! So this leads me to my next challenge. I have signed up for a swim the channel event, don't worry, I don't have to swim the ACTUAL channel, just the distance of 22miles in 12 weeks, easy right? Shame I am such a rubbish swimmer! It is a charity event though and so will be worth the 90 odd lengths a week. It is for a charity called Aspire who help people with spinal injuries. Having been there mself and being lucky enough to have recovered fully from my injury it is special to me to be able to raise money for such a great cause. Even better I have managed to recruit quite a few unsuspecting friends :)
In other news, poor old Widget died in her sleep yesterday, she was 16 years old and had a great life, she was an amazing dog and we will miss her greatly. RIP upside down dog xxx
I have been asked by someone to add the above link to try and help boost awareness of ovarian cancer. I hope you can take the time to have a read. Thanks.
Tuesday 24 July 2012
The big meeting
Now, where did I get to? It has been a while. I think I have been for my 'big meeting' since I last wrote in here. I was dreading this meeting as I knew deep down what they were going to tell me. I had been hoping and praying that my blood test was innacurate and that the scans would be completely clear, unfortunately this wasn't to be and scans revealed small areas of mestatic ovarian cancer in my bowel and ascites in my abdomen. I felt sure this would mean straight back on the chemo but in fact the big bosses believe a conservative approach is appropriate at this time. They say the tumours are probably slow growing and that they should, in theory, be responsive to the Tamoxifen so we should wait and see. the ascites may well need to be drained, we are to see how I get on and how much pain I get to see what course of action we take. At present the pain is bearable so I'm just going with it.
In theory I was happy with this plan of action, of course I have no desire to be back on a chemo regime. However, I sometimes find it difficult to fully relax with the knowledge I have cancer cells just happily doing as they please inside me and I don't feel like I am doing very much to stop them! It is like they are having a little party all of there own and it makes me feel out of control of my body and I really don't like that feeling. The plan is to re-scan in August and see what has happened, if the tumours have spread or grown then it will be time to think about chemo. If they have stayed the same or got smaller then we know they are responding to the Tamoxifen and we continue with the conservative approach.
Well, they don't look much but these little feckers are charged with saving my life!
So this is my life now, constant back and forth, logistical battles against the enemy which is cancer. Of course so far I have won every time (good thing as I hate to lose!) It does get tiresome though and I would love to not have to worry about it for a while. Also, if this continues to be active, there is no way I am going to get anywhere job wise or training wise. I would really quite like my life back at some point. I wish now that I had valued my good health in the past and not abused my body in the ways that I did. What an idiot! So much wasted time. Oh well, can't change so just have to accept it, right?!
In terms of my anaemia, not much has changed, transfusions are still regular and that doesn't look like changing anytime soon. The Tamoxifen seems to be battering my blood, I guess my body has been through so much it is now quite easily affected. This is another one of those things that I just have to accept.
In good news Wally is 6 weeks old now and is a very confident, happy, lively boy. I can't wait to bring him home in 2 weeks time :)
Wally @ 6 weeks
Also, the sun is out so I really do feel soooooooo much better, physically and mentally. I think I was suffering from that seasonal affective disorder, in July! Life seems so much easier when the sun is shining....
In theory I was happy with this plan of action, of course I have no desire to be back on a chemo regime. However, I sometimes find it difficult to fully relax with the knowledge I have cancer cells just happily doing as they please inside me and I don't feel like I am doing very much to stop them! It is like they are having a little party all of there own and it makes me feel out of control of my body and I really don't like that feeling. The plan is to re-scan in August and see what has happened, if the tumours have spread or grown then it will be time to think about chemo. If they have stayed the same or got smaller then we know they are responding to the Tamoxifen and we continue with the conservative approach.
So this is my life now, constant back and forth, logistical battles against the enemy which is cancer. Of course so far I have won every time (good thing as I hate to lose!) It does get tiresome though and I would love to not have to worry about it for a while. Also, if this continues to be active, there is no way I am going to get anywhere job wise or training wise. I would really quite like my life back at some point. I wish now that I had valued my good health in the past and not abused my body in the ways that I did. What an idiot! So much wasted time. Oh well, can't change so just have to accept it, right?!
In terms of my anaemia, not much has changed, transfusions are still regular and that doesn't look like changing anytime soon. The Tamoxifen seems to be battering my blood, I guess my body has been through so much it is now quite easily affected. This is another one of those things that I just have to accept.
In good news Wally is 6 weeks old now and is a very confident, happy, lively boy. I can't wait to bring him home in 2 weeks time :)
Also, the sun is out so I really do feel soooooooo much better, physically and mentally. I think I was suffering from that seasonal affective disorder, in July! Life seems so much easier when the sun is shining....
Friday 6 July 2012
mud, mud, hills and more mud....
So, last Saturday was the big day. After the event was cancelled back in April when storm force wind and torrential rains were bringing down trees and our little tent was floating away I think I had secretly convinced myself it would never actually happen! I was wrong! Last Saturday I was up at the crack of dawn loading the horse box full of everything we needed plus quite a lot more... Why not we had space! Then off I went (after a 20min lecture from the step dad that is on what I should and should not do with the horse box!) to collect Laura. The drive went smoothly and I collected Laura and we made it down to Eastnor in good time. Before we headed off to set up camp we decided to stop and treat ouselves to a big lump of steak in preperation for what lay ahead.
Check out how pale!
Once we had stocked up on some energy and iron we headed off to the beautiful Eastnor castle which was to be the scene of the crime. We were met by a very muddy hill and the prospect of getting the lorry up it in order to camp so it was a foot down and hope moment, anyway, we made it and had set up home and got the kettle on within a couple of minutes, I like this camping in a lorry business!
Home for the night :)
We had the afternoon to sit and enjoy the unexpected appearance of the sun, by this point however the situation had become real, the nerves were starting to kick in and there was a party of butterflies going on inside my tummy, I tried to just kick back and take in the surroundings and indulge in a bit of people watching though.
Soon enough it was time to get ready and head over to the start, at this point we met up with some old timers who were coming down to race, in fact these are the people I hold responsible for talking me into such a crazy thing! So we headed over together, dropped off our change of clothes and got tattooed up. The atmosphere in the race village was fantastic and there were so many people around, all different types of people but all of them clearly up for a laugh and to test their bodies. There were a lot of people dressed up in various fancy dress outfits, probably also running for a charity and despite the churning nerves I started to feel happy to be there and be a part of it.
Before the start...
Waiting at the start line with the others
when it came to starting the race we decided to go fairly early on as we knew we would be slower than most and it would be demoralising to end up last on the course so we headed off in the 2nd wave. The 1st few hundred meters lull you in to a false sense of 'oh, this is ok' and we set off at a happy (downhill) run. Then, straight away you are faced with the 1st hill, it is a never ending up, up, up and it was so hard. I felt my lungs would explode. no matter how deeply I breathed the oxygen would not get into my body, this is one of the problems with being anaemic, the body cannot meet the oxygen demands and I felt this straight away. Once we had made it to the top there was a fairly flat but boggy section and some down hill mud through the trees up until the 1st hurdle which we knew must be the 1km mark. At this point I was in so much pain and felt so ill I really didn't think I could carry on and I said to Laura I wouldn't be able to do the whole thing. She of course told me not to be so stupid and of course I could do it so that was that, we were in it for the long haul!
Knackered!!!
By the end of the 1st km the mud really had not been too bad and I was beginning to think that people had over dramatised the extent of the mud, I was wrong! OMG! At times it was up to my waist, I never knew there were so many different types of mud. Thick mud, thin mud, sloppy mud, sticky mud. We had to run through it, jump in it, climb out of it and commando crawl through it, it was AWESOME! I actually longed for the sight of each mud pit because I knew that where there was a mud pit, there was not a hill, brilliant lol!
Loving it!!!
The pain in my lungs continued and my body ached and a new, unidentified pain kicked in but I no longer wanted to quit, I had got into the zone and there was nothing going to stop me from finishing that race. By the time we hit 5km I felt I had got into a flow and had recovered my sense of humour and was starting to enjoy my self. I found the obstacles were a good bit of added fun and were good for counting off the distance as I knew there were 10 of them so each one done brought me closer to the end. When it came to the monkey bars I didn't even bother trying, there was an alternative cargo net next to it so I did that instead and when it came to the wall, it was a no go. This was in the last km and my legs were just jelly by then, but I don't mind, there is no shame in giving it a go and not making it! As for the lakes, they were lovely, we had to swim through 2 lakes and it was a good chance to get cleaned up! I was a little concerned by how warm they were and would rather not think about the reasons for this as it certainly wasn't from the sun!!! The muddy bank was a lot of fun and a lot easier than it looked but the finishing straight was horrific, it was up hill all the way to the finish line, what a depressing sight! Just as I approached the finish line my friend Clare came running up and was shouting encouragement which was lovely, she had clearly finished some time earlier as she was already dressed and clean!
As I finished I caught a glimpse of the timer and was gutted to see it said 3hrs 45 mins, I couldn't believe it had taken that long and felt rubbish about it. What I hadn't realised was that the timer had run through the junior race before us and not been reset to zero. Phew! It turned out or time was 2hrs38, well under the 3 hour goal I had set my self and I later learned we were not last and that the last person was 48mins slower so I was pretty happy with that :)
The end!
I can't describe to you how I felt at the end, either physically or emotionally. I was so happy and felt it was a little personal victory, I didn't cry but only because I wasn't physically capable. I had nothing left! Straight after the race the shakes started and I felt very wobbly and sick. In our goody bags we ere provided with Mars bars but of course being coeliac I couldn't eat mine. By the time I made it back to camp I felt to sick to eat. I was frozen so we made a cuppa and got into bed for a while, I couldn't seem to get rid of the shakes but couldn't manage to eat either.
Anyway, despite feeling a bit rough we decided we didn't want to miss the evenings entertainment so we took our drinks and headed over to the race village to enjoy the party and listen to the band. When we were there we met some boys and hung out with them for the evening. I only managed one cider though, I think anymore would have finished me off!
The next morning we had a bbq breakfast, packed up camp and took our aching bodies away home, smiling that we had decided not to do the race on the Sunday too!!!
This experience perhaps doesn't sound much to most people but to me it has affirmed that I do have fight left in me, I do have the strength of character to over come and that I can achieve, all I have to do is put my mind to it.This race took place 2 weeks short of the 1 year anniversary of my broken back and pelvis, I reckon I have done pretty well to be at the point where I could complete this race. Just shows, it is incredible what the body can bounce back from. I feel proud of myself and that is not something I have often felt. I also feel grateful, I may have had a lot thrown at me and the world has tried to finish me off on many occasions but I'm still here! The Sunday was my little girls birthday, I think she would have been proud of her mummy too.
Once we had stocked up on some energy and iron we headed off to the beautiful Eastnor castle which was to be the scene of the crime. We were met by a very muddy hill and the prospect of getting the lorry up it in order to camp so it was a foot down and hope moment, anyway, we made it and had set up home and got the kettle on within a couple of minutes, I like this camping in a lorry business!
We had the afternoon to sit and enjoy the unexpected appearance of the sun, by this point however the situation had become real, the nerves were starting to kick in and there was a party of butterflies going on inside my tummy, I tried to just kick back and take in the surroundings and indulge in a bit of people watching though.
Soon enough it was time to get ready and head over to the start, at this point we met up with some old timers who were coming down to race, in fact these are the people I hold responsible for talking me into such a crazy thing! So we headed over together, dropped off our change of clothes and got tattooed up. The atmosphere in the race village was fantastic and there were so many people around, all different types of people but all of them clearly up for a laugh and to test their bodies. There were a lot of people dressed up in various fancy dress outfits, probably also running for a charity and despite the churning nerves I started to feel happy to be there and be a part of it.
when it came to starting the race we decided to go fairly early on as we knew we would be slower than most and it would be demoralising to end up last on the course so we headed off in the 2nd wave. The 1st few hundred meters lull you in to a false sense of 'oh, this is ok' and we set off at a happy (downhill) run. Then, straight away you are faced with the 1st hill, it is a never ending up, up, up and it was so hard. I felt my lungs would explode. no matter how deeply I breathed the oxygen would not get into my body, this is one of the problems with being anaemic, the body cannot meet the oxygen demands and I felt this straight away. Once we had made it to the top there was a fairly flat but boggy section and some down hill mud through the trees up until the 1st hurdle which we knew must be the 1km mark. At this point I was in so much pain and felt so ill I really didn't think I could carry on and I said to Laura I wouldn't be able to do the whole thing. She of course told me not to be so stupid and of course I could do it so that was that, we were in it for the long haul!
By the end of the 1st km the mud really had not been too bad and I was beginning to think that people had over dramatised the extent of the mud, I was wrong! OMG! At times it was up to my waist, I never knew there were so many different types of mud. Thick mud, thin mud, sloppy mud, sticky mud. We had to run through it, jump in it, climb out of it and commando crawl through it, it was AWESOME! I actually longed for the sight of each mud pit because I knew that where there was a mud pit, there was not a hill, brilliant lol!
The pain in my lungs continued and my body ached and a new, unidentified pain kicked in but I no longer wanted to quit, I had got into the zone and there was nothing going to stop me from finishing that race. By the time we hit 5km I felt I had got into a flow and had recovered my sense of humour and was starting to enjoy my self. I found the obstacles were a good bit of added fun and were good for counting off the distance as I knew there were 10 of them so each one done brought me closer to the end. When it came to the monkey bars I didn't even bother trying, there was an alternative cargo net next to it so I did that instead and when it came to the wall, it was a no go. This was in the last km and my legs were just jelly by then, but I don't mind, there is no shame in giving it a go and not making it! As for the lakes, they were lovely, we had to swim through 2 lakes and it was a good chance to get cleaned up! I was a little concerned by how warm they were and would rather not think about the reasons for this as it certainly wasn't from the sun!!! The muddy bank was a lot of fun and a lot easier than it looked but the finishing straight was horrific, it was up hill all the way to the finish line, what a depressing sight! Just as I approached the finish line my friend Clare came running up and was shouting encouragement which was lovely, she had clearly finished some time earlier as she was already dressed and clean!
As I finished I caught a glimpse of the timer and was gutted to see it said 3hrs 45 mins, I couldn't believe it had taken that long and felt rubbish about it. What I hadn't realised was that the timer had run through the junior race before us and not been reset to zero. Phew! It turned out or time was 2hrs38, well under the 3 hour goal I had set my self and I later learned we were not last and that the last person was 48mins slower so I was pretty happy with that :)
I can't describe to you how I felt at the end, either physically or emotionally. I was so happy and felt it was a little personal victory, I didn't cry but only because I wasn't physically capable. I had nothing left! Straight after the race the shakes started and I felt very wobbly and sick. In our goody bags we ere provided with Mars bars but of course being coeliac I couldn't eat mine. By the time I made it back to camp I felt to sick to eat. I was frozen so we made a cuppa and got into bed for a while, I couldn't seem to get rid of the shakes but couldn't manage to eat either.
Anyway, despite feeling a bit rough we decided we didn't want to miss the evenings entertainment so we took our drinks and headed over to the race village to enjoy the party and listen to the band. When we were there we met some boys and hung out with them for the evening. I only managed one cider though, I think anymore would have finished me off!
The next morning we had a bbq breakfast, packed up camp and took our aching bodies away home, smiling that we had decided not to do the race on the Sunday too!!!
This experience perhaps doesn't sound much to most people but to me it has affirmed that I do have fight left in me, I do have the strength of character to over come and that I can achieve, all I have to do is put my mind to it.This race took place 2 weeks short of the 1 year anniversary of my broken back and pelvis, I reckon I have done pretty well to be at the point where I could complete this race. Just shows, it is incredible what the body can bounce back from. I feel proud of myself and that is not something I have often felt. I also feel grateful, I may have had a lot thrown at me and the world has tried to finish me off on many occasions but I'm still here! The Sunday was my little girls birthday, I think she would have been proud of her mummy too.
Saturday 30 June 2012
The day before tomorow...
Sitting here after a long day and a glass too many of wine and quietly pooping myself! I thought I should take this moment to write a post, just in case it turns out to be my last :-o
Tomorrow is Mudrunner, this has seemed like one of those things that would never come around and yet here we are, saying it is tomorrow. Training was going so well until the dreaded lurgy hit a few weeks ago and then almost as soon as I was over that, there I was stuck in bloody hospital again, so here I am packing in my excuses lol! The last few weeks have been a write off training wise and my general well being is a bit below average at the moment. However my will is strong and if there is any possible way I can drag this sorry state of a body around that course then I wil1! I have a feeling the event will be living up to its name and mud will be in plentyful supply. I had been dreaming of a balmy summers evening jaunt through the countryside followed by a few ciders and a bit of a giggle. I have a feeling I was delusional! It is going to be tough, but hey what an achievement and I reckon the old wreck can manage it one way or another lol! Bring it on!!!
Wednesday this week I spent at the hospital, had a whole bunch of scans to get through. the doctors have a few concerns and basically we are looking at whether or not I will need to be back on treatment. Scans are done now and I will discover my immediate fate Friday, nothing I can do now so just got to chill out about it and what will be will be. Scan day was uneventful other than being delayed by the Olympic torch passing through Boston and I managed to squeeze in a lovely lunch with the twins and Nats two beatiful little girls so couldn't really complain about the day. :)
In other news, I went and tried out the spinning class at my gym on Monday... OMG! It was bloody terrible, the guy counted down the last 10 beats of every 16 in monotone, this made me want to hurt him! He then set us off into a full speed ahead sprint on the last track and left us in it for a full 3.5 minutes, without saying a word.... No motivation, no counting, no indication of when the pain may end, just long, drawn out, sprinting. Then once this track was done, it was straight off the bike to stretch, no cool down, no bringing down the heart rate, I nearly bloody fell over my head was spinning so fast!! Terrible class!
Anyway, so if I survive I will blog again.... Hope you all have an easier wk end than me lol!!!
Tomorrow is Mudrunner, this has seemed like one of those things that would never come around and yet here we are, saying it is tomorrow. Training was going so well until the dreaded lurgy hit a few weeks ago and then almost as soon as I was over that, there I was stuck in bloody hospital again, so here I am packing in my excuses lol! The last few weeks have been a write off training wise and my general well being is a bit below average at the moment. However my will is strong and if there is any possible way I can drag this sorry state of a body around that course then I wil1! I have a feeling the event will be living up to its name and mud will be in plentyful supply. I had been dreaming of a balmy summers evening jaunt through the countryside followed by a few ciders and a bit of a giggle. I have a feeling I was delusional! It is going to be tough, but hey what an achievement and I reckon the old wreck can manage it one way or another lol! Bring it on!!!
Wednesday this week I spent at the hospital, had a whole bunch of scans to get through. the doctors have a few concerns and basically we are looking at whether or not I will need to be back on treatment. Scans are done now and I will discover my immediate fate Friday, nothing I can do now so just got to chill out about it and what will be will be. Scan day was uneventful other than being delayed by the Olympic torch passing through Boston and I managed to squeeze in a lovely lunch with the twins and Nats two beatiful little girls so couldn't really complain about the day. :)
In other news, I went and tried out the spinning class at my gym on Monday... OMG! It was bloody terrible, the guy counted down the last 10 beats of every 16 in monotone, this made me want to hurt him! He then set us off into a full speed ahead sprint on the last track and left us in it for a full 3.5 minutes, without saying a word.... No motivation, no counting, no indication of when the pain may end, just long, drawn out, sprinting. Then once this track was done, it was straight off the bike to stretch, no cool down, no bringing down the heart rate, I nearly bloody fell over my head was spinning so fast!! Terrible class!
Anyway, so if I survive I will blog again.... Hope you all have an easier wk end than me lol!!!
Sunday 24 June 2012
One of those moods...
Hmmmm, not very happy today. Not sure what as got up my nose really other than I'm just feeling a bit flat and fed up. I spent most of Friday at the hospital, mostly being told how poorly I am and how I need to make allowances for this and how my body has been through and is going through a lot and that I should be careful about my expectations. Well, do you know what I say to all that bullshit? F#!* off, thats what! Well done NHS, if you wanted to steal my thunder and put me in a downer then well done, you did a great job!
Sometimes, and I know I'm not supposed to say this as I'm supposed to be happy and positive and jolly all the but but I don't care, sometimes I think life is a little bit unfair! I really don't want to moan but I really never have been a lucky person, some of the shit I have had to put up with over the years and continue to put up with I reckon its about time someone else gave it a go! I'm bored of hospital, I'm bored of being tired, I'm bored of all the things I can't do and I'm bored that it is never bloody ending! Naff off bad luck, go pick on someone else. Sometimes I realy hate some of the thoughts and feelings I have. Like there are times when I see someone who has been poorly and they are all better and they can get straight back on with their lives and of course I'm happy for them, everyone deserves that chance, but at the same time I feel jealous. What a bitch! I hate that but I can't help it sometimes.
So I picked up my CA125 on Friday too,been avoind doing so and now I realise why, its because I wasn't ready for the result to not be as good as I hoped. I was was hoping for below 30 i.e normal. I got 65. So what does that mean, well, something or nothing, who knows. Got scans on Wednesday so should tell us more but what is the betting it means I need chemo??? Odds on I reckon. So here I am, waiting, again. No news on my bowel biopsies yet, who knows what is going on there. Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see.....
Anyway, know this is a shitty post but hey, I'm in a shitty mood. Gonna try and have a run in the morning, hopefully sort me out a bit!
Sometimes, and I know I'm not supposed to say this as I'm supposed to be happy and positive and jolly all the but but I don't care, sometimes I think life is a little bit unfair! I really don't want to moan but I really never have been a lucky person, some of the shit I have had to put up with over the years and continue to put up with I reckon its about time someone else gave it a go! I'm bored of hospital, I'm bored of being tired, I'm bored of all the things I can't do and I'm bored that it is never bloody ending! Naff off bad luck, go pick on someone else. Sometimes I realy hate some of the thoughts and feelings I have. Like there are times when I see someone who has been poorly and they are all better and they can get straight back on with their lives and of course I'm happy for them, everyone deserves that chance, but at the same time I feel jealous. What a bitch! I hate that but I can't help it sometimes.
So I picked up my CA125 on Friday too,been avoind doing so and now I realise why, its because I wasn't ready for the result to not be as good as I hoped. I was was hoping for below 30 i.e normal. I got 65. So what does that mean, well, something or nothing, who knows. Got scans on Wednesday so should tell us more but what is the betting it means I need chemo??? Odds on I reckon. So here I am, waiting, again. No news on my bowel biopsies yet, who knows what is going on there. Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see.....
Anyway, know this is a shitty post but hey, I'm in a shitty mood. Gonna try and have a run in the morning, hopefully sort me out a bit!
Thursday 21 June 2012
...every beat of my heart
Now, where did I get to? Oh yes, my heart, well my heart has
always caused issues. Way back when I was 18 and training to be an aerobics
instructor I wasn’t allowed to continue with the course until I had the all
clear from a doctor after they discovered my resting heart rate was around 120
beats per minute. So, off I went to the doctor and then the hospital and was
given an ECG, chest X-Ray, Stress test and a scan and they couldn’t find any
problem other than the speed of the beats. Since then it has always been fast,
it dropped a little when my thyroid was bad but generally it sits high. Each
time I go to hospital it tends to be brought up and looked at briefly but
generally without too much concern. However over the last 6 months or so it has
been becoming very erratic, when I get ill with infection or whatever else it
is all over the place and has been becoming a growing concern for the doctors.
When I had the colonoscopy and experienced a high level of pain my heart rate
went through the roof and of course they were worried. So when the doctor came
to talk to me he ordered an ECG and the result was abnormal. They then got some other
doctor to come and speak to me and he admitted me to the cardiac ward. Actually
quite a scary thing to happen, I got hooked up to machines and was put on
hourly obs. I was given the chat about how my illness has been putting such a
strain on my heart, particularly with the level of anaemia I have been
suffering for such a long period of time. They said I needed some tests and
that I need to stay so stay I did. Of course nothing happened over the weekend
and I just sat around in what felt like gods waiting room, I don’t think too
many of those people were going to be with us for much longer and it was a
pretty depressing place to be. So Monday came and things started happening and
I was eventually allowed home Tuesday night, it felt like a long stay! So I was
allowed out as long as I was ‘careful’ really this was not specific and so I
think is open to interpretation! I have a clinic appointment on Friday so I’m
guessing I will find out more then. In
the meantime, I not sure how worried I need to be so I’m going with not worried
at all!
On a more exciting note, today I bought a puppy :-D I can’t
have a baby so this will be my surrogate child lol…. He is only 2 weeks old at
the moment and so I have to wait 6 whole weeks before he can come home but I
guess it is nice to have something to look forward to. He is a Springer Spaniel
crossed with a Collie so should be clever but probably a bit hyper, should keep
me busy. I have called him Wallace Thornton Esquire, Wally the sprollie for
short lol. I have wanted my own dog since forever and have never been in a
position to have one. Now I may be ill but I do have a lot of flexibility in my
life at the moment so seems to be a good time really. If something does happen to
me and I can no longer care for him, or I’m not around anymore my Mum will look
after him so I can’t really see a reason to stop me. So happy and so excited!!!
Monday 18 June 2012
The wrong direction down a one way street...
Just like all nasty things in life, ‘prep’ day came along quick as a flash. Of
course being the organised person I am I had not yet filled my prescription,
not thinking that it is not an item likely to be kept in stock in any of the
back of beyond pharmacies in the middle of nowhere I now call home. So I
started the day with a nice relaxing ride (I wish!) this turned out to be a
mammoth fight about going past the pig farm which ended with both me and her at
the bottom of a pig shit filled ditch, great start to the day! After this
little bit of excitement of I went to fill my prescription, 4 towns and 6
pharmacies later I was home and armed with the required drugs and trying to
convince myself to actually swallow the first dose. Turns out I need not have
worried, the lack of food available to me on the train home from Scotland the
previous day combined with the avoidance of food on that day meant that there
was very little action to be had! So other than extreme nausea and a banging
head ache combined with some tummy cramps things were not too bad J So I had myself an
early night in anticipation of the next dose to be taken at 5am, I can tell you
getting up at 5am to take something that tastes that bad is really not an easy
task! Anyway, 5.15am, dose swallowed and things are starting to happen. The next
3 hours I will spare you the details of but let’s just say I didn’t stray too
far from the bathroom!!!
So 09.30 and its time to head off for my 10.15 appointment,
sat in the waiting room surrounded by old folk, I had one of those ‘why me
moments’ I must have been a good 30 years younger than anyone else in there and
really that is the story of my life lately, experiencing time and time again
things that should be saved for my twightlight years, if ever. After a not long
enough wait I was called through for my turn, admission paperwork completed,
obs done, gown changed into and cannula inserted I suddenly found myself on the
table, knees tucked up to chest and with some bloke whose first name I didn’t even
know shoving something rather large where the sun doesn’t shine. Straight in my
eye line was a big screen showing in great detail my colon in all its glory!
Now at this point I will say I had signed up for the sedation and indeed they
did put something through the cannula, however I felt now signs of sedation. I
remember the whole procedure very clearly and certainly remember the discomfort
of every bend and turn made by the camera, sedation my a*#!....
I did have some concerns that the prep had not done its job
properly as there was such a delayed start to the action but luckily I was proven
wrong and the ‘corridors were clear’ lol! Apart that is, from one rogue pea, it
looked giant on screen and caused untold issues as the suction devise failed to
shift said pea and the machine chose that moment, half way up my colon, to
break down, who else but me could be that lucky??! All that was needed though
was a simple valve replacement to fix the issue, if only someone knew where
said valve was kept… ! 1st one, then a 2nd
nurse scurried off on a hunt and I lay there patiently in my compromising
position until they eventually returned, equipment was repaired and the grand
tour could continue. The procedure was due to take about half an hour; I ended
up in there for an hour and 40 mins! Bits were removed, biopsies were taken and
bleeding was treated and by the end I was sweating so badly from the pain I
thought I must be having the procedure done in a sauna, I say again, sedation
my a*#!!!! They say you can stop at any time, but there is no way you would do
that as it would mean you have to go through the whole thing again, not a
chance!
Eventually the adventure was over and I was wheeled off to
recovery, I was advised of my potential wooziness, I was not woozy, I was
straight up on my feet and asking for a cuppa, followed shortly by the nurse
barking for me to get back into bed and recover first…. I was bloody
recovered!!! Anyway, after their set out time frame I was allowed to get up and
have a cup of tea and the lovely other nurse (the one that doesn’t bark)
brought me tea and biscuits, such a lovely thought but so cruel to a coeliac
who has been on starvation for 26 hours and can only sit and look at the
delicious biscuits L
So, it was at this point I was expecting to be told I could
get dressed and they would call my Mum however that is not what happened,
instead I was asked to wait as the doctor would like to speak to me and they continued to withhold my clothes and
left me cannulated, never, ever a good sign! Eventually the twitchy doctor with
the progressive stutter and a penchant for sticking things in my every orifice
showed up and started his speech with Miss Fahy; we need to talk about your
irregular heart beat…. Urgh, here we go…
….to be continued!!!
Tuesday 12 June 2012
my 1st blog, by popular demand!
Well, here it is folks. You all kept asking for it (OK so you asked for a book but seriously, how much time do you think I have on my hands!). Moral of the story, be careful what you ask for as you are now going to be bombarded by my inane ramblings!
I would like to think that really I have started this far too late in life as I hoping there are very few drama's left to come my way! If you know me, you will know my story, if you don't, well maybe one day you will catch up :)
Really you have caught me writing my first blog when I have not much positive to say. I just got news that my 'friend', I say friend, really we were cyber friends who only met on handful of occassions, has passed away. We were diognosed within a week of each other and been a big part of each others cancer journeys. I really don't want to make her death all about me but just to say it really is hard to get your head around losing a person who has been fighting the exact same battle you have, it really does put things into perspective and makes me so grateful for how far I have come. I can't pretend to understand any of this and I have no idea why she had to die and yet, here I am going strong so I am not going to dwell on the thought. I just wish the world to know what an amazing person she was and how deeply I will miss this virtual stranger in times when I just don't understand whats happening and I no longer have her wise word and sense of humour to turn to. RIP .
So, anyway, not a cheery start to my blogging career but there you are, like I said... You asked for it!
I would like to think that really I have started this far too late in life as I hoping there are very few drama's left to come my way! If you know me, you will know my story, if you don't, well maybe one day you will catch up :)
Really you have caught me writing my first blog when I have not much positive to say. I just got news that my 'friend', I say friend, really we were cyber friends who only met on handful of occassions, has passed away. We were diognosed within a week of each other and been a big part of each others cancer journeys. I really don't want to make her death all about me but just to say it really is hard to get your head around losing a person who has been fighting the exact same battle you have, it really does put things into perspective and makes me so grateful for how far I have come. I can't pretend to understand any of this and I have no idea why she had to die and yet, here I am going strong so I am not going to dwell on the thought. I just wish the world to know what an amazing person she was and how deeply I will miss this virtual stranger in times when I just don't understand whats happening and I no longer have her wise word and sense of humour to turn to. RIP .
So, anyway, not a cheery start to my blogging career but there you are, like I said... You asked for it!
Olympic fever and a Scottish love
Hello folks. Just to start, I would like to brag a little that I have managed to be ill (it was verging on man flu, very bad!) and not had to be admitted to the hospital! Very pleased with that result, especially as it means I did not have to miss coming to beautiful Scotland and even more importantly didn't have to miss my amazing friend Lindsay have her moment in the spotlight and carry the Olympic flame. This was a very special day and I am so happy I was able to be a part of it. It was a great occasion, well organised, good spirited and it didn't even rain.... Amazing!
I am still in Scotland now, spending a few days in my 2nd home of Dunoon and remembering all the reasons why I love to come here. I always tend to fight the Scottish thing, my Mum is so proud of her Sottish blood that she tends to dismiss the English part, I tend to rebel against this by embracing my Irish blood but I have to say when I do come here I feel at home and can understand the pride that she and so many others feel to be a part of the place. Perhaps I should work on embracing my Scottish side a little more, maybe I could buy a kilt or something!
It has crossed my mind more than once that I should move up here and if it wasn't for Evie that would be a no brainer however I just don't think I can be that far away from her while she is so young I love being a part of her life and think it could be a sacrifice too far, no matter how beautiful the air and the mountains and the lochs :)
It has been lovely spending time with Lindsay and family and having a catch up and the whole trip has been great. I got to explore some areas I have never been to before in the far north of the country and finally made it all the way to John O'Groats. It was there I met a fantastically inspirational lady who had just completed the cycle ride from Lands End, she has been fighting cancer for the past 3 years and this has been the driving force behind her desire to complete the bike ride along with several members of her family. What brought this group of riders to our attention in the 1st place was the sight of one of them sat having his photo taken holding the Horncastle news, our local paper! Turns out they were from just a few miles from where we live, its a small world! Anyway, I came away from this chance encounter feeling inspired and with a renewed will to keep on going, so thanks to that very special lady and good luck to her in all her future ventures.
So, home tomorrow on an epic 8hr train journey with 4 changes! Yuk. Then Thursday is prep day for colonoscopy so won't be moving very far from the bathroom! Then Friday the procedure and I would imagine very soon after that I will be getting another blood transfusion as I have been losing blood at an alarming rate for the past 10 days. So there it is, an amazing trip away but time to head back to reality.
On the plus side, I actually managed to make it back into the gym yesterday, good job as it is less than 3 weeks until mudrunner now :-o
I am still in Scotland now, spending a few days in my 2nd home of Dunoon and remembering all the reasons why I love to come here. I always tend to fight the Scottish thing, my Mum is so proud of her Sottish blood that she tends to dismiss the English part, I tend to rebel against this by embracing my Irish blood but I have to say when I do come here I feel at home and can understand the pride that she and so many others feel to be a part of the place. Perhaps I should work on embracing my Scottish side a little more, maybe I could buy a kilt or something!
It has crossed my mind more than once that I should move up here and if it wasn't for Evie that would be a no brainer however I just don't think I can be that far away from her while she is so young I love being a part of her life and think it could be a sacrifice too far, no matter how beautiful the air and the mountains and the lochs :)
It has been lovely spending time with Lindsay and family and having a catch up and the whole trip has been great. I got to explore some areas I have never been to before in the far north of the country and finally made it all the way to John O'Groats. It was there I met a fantastically inspirational lady who had just completed the cycle ride from Lands End, she has been fighting cancer for the past 3 years and this has been the driving force behind her desire to complete the bike ride along with several members of her family. What brought this group of riders to our attention in the 1st place was the sight of one of them sat having his photo taken holding the Horncastle news, our local paper! Turns out they were from just a few miles from where we live, its a small world! Anyway, I came away from this chance encounter feeling inspired and with a renewed will to keep on going, so thanks to that very special lady and good luck to her in all her future ventures.
So, home tomorrow on an epic 8hr train journey with 4 changes! Yuk. Then Thursday is prep day for colonoscopy so won't be moving very far from the bathroom! Then Friday the procedure and I would imagine very soon after that I will be getting another blood transfusion as I have been losing blood at an alarming rate for the past 10 days. So there it is, an amazing trip away but time to head back to reality.
On the plus side, I actually managed to make it back into the gym yesterday, good job as it is less than 3 weeks until mudrunner now :-o
Wednesday 30 May 2012
A bit of a false start.
Had my blood test today and as I had already guessed from the shocking way I feel at the moment my HB is back down to 8. This is a pain as it means I now have to have another blood transfusion so instead of iron tomorrow I am now getting blood. Then I am away next week to watch my amazing friend do her bit for the Olympic torch carrying and the following week I am booked in for the dreaded colonoscopy. Apparently I cant have iron within the 2 weeks leading up to the colonoscopy so it is now going to be another 3 weeks before I get my next infusion. Feels like the one I had was a bit of an irrelevance now as it is no use as a one off. I also had my serum ferretin tested today but I won't find out the result until tomorrow, I'm not expecting any real improvement in that though. I am happy to be getting a transfusion as I feel terrible but its a shame that it puts everything back so much.
My alter ego!
I have also had blood taken to test my CA125, this is the marker for ovarian cancer and I have so far refused to find out what level it is at. In a healthy person it should be below 30, the last time I found out the result of mine it was over 3000! I think I am ready now to find out, all being well it will hopefully be back into normal range, that for me would be a dream come true as it would be a good sign that I am doing OK at the moment. I have also been booked in for my scans in 3 weeks time to have a good look around and see if everything is looking clear. On top of this I have asked for a second opinion on the surgery they want me to have. So far I have dug my heals in over this but I do want to do the best thing for my health so have decided to get some more information and keep an open mind :)
Sometimes having blood transfusions really freaks me out, when I think about all the different blood from different people that has gone through my veins it really blows my mind! It is incredible that it is even possible to do it and even more incredible that there are so many lovely people out there willing to give blood in order to keep me and many others alive. Amazing! Back in the day when I used to donate I never imagined I would ever be on the receiving end and now I have lost count of how many pints of red cells I have had, not to mention the platelets on top of that. An amazing number of amazing people!
This really is a long road but I guess if I keep plodding along I will get there in the end!
I guess I better get my butt to the gym tomorrow night and use that juicy goodness while I am bouncing off the walls lol!
I have also had blood taken to test my CA125, this is the marker for ovarian cancer and I have so far refused to find out what level it is at. In a healthy person it should be below 30, the last time I found out the result of mine it was over 3000! I think I am ready now to find out, all being well it will hopefully be back into normal range, that for me would be a dream come true as it would be a good sign that I am doing OK at the moment. I have also been booked in for my scans in 3 weeks time to have a good look around and see if everything is looking clear. On top of this I have asked for a second opinion on the surgery they want me to have. So far I have dug my heals in over this but I do want to do the best thing for my health so have decided to get some more information and keep an open mind :)
Sometimes having blood transfusions really freaks me out, when I think about all the different blood from different people that has gone through my veins it really blows my mind! It is incredible that it is even possible to do it and even more incredible that there are so many lovely people out there willing to give blood in order to keep me and many others alive. Amazing! Back in the day when I used to donate I never imagined I would ever be on the receiving end and now I have lost count of how many pints of red cells I have had, not to mention the platelets on top of that. An amazing number of amazing people!
This really is a long road but I guess if I keep plodding along I will get there in the end!
I guess I better get my butt to the gym tomorrow night and use that juicy goodness while I am bouncing off the walls lol!
Sunday 27 May 2012
Becoming a local...
So here I am for the 1st time in quite some years living back in a tiny little village. Its not just any old village its a lincolnshire village, you are not classed as a local unless you can prove at least 6 generations back have been in the area!!! Moving here was a big decision for me, I had quite a nice life in Peterborough, despite not being a big fan of the city itself I had some good friends, a lovely gym, easy access to everything I wanted and brilliant travel links. I guess really I could have carried on as I was, quite happy but deep down I knew I needed to change some things, in particular my job. There were some exciting, fascinating and truly amazing aspects to my job in the prison but on the other hand it really could be a disturbing place to be. I had reached a point where watching another human being cut themselves and ligature themselves and generally harm themselves, even try to end their life would not evoke any feeling inside me. That is not the person I want to be and so I needed to get out. Anyway, I digress! The main reason for my move was time out and that is something I could not achieve living on my own. As much as I value my independence, I needed so time where I didn't have to stress about work etc and could just take some time to fight.
Well, the move was not without hitches, I left my job, had my phone stolen, crashed my car, moved house and scored myself a week in hospital with a nasty infection all within the space of a week! Eventually though, I ended up here in a lovely little wolds village called Hagworthingham back in the mother ship, surrounded by beautiful countryside, 20 mins from the beach and able to spend as much time as I like with my little sister. Surrounded by dogs and horses and chickens. It didn't take long for me to settle into the pace of life (it has taken a little longer to adjust to the absence of shops, cinemas, a Virgin Active etc!). I am taking a great deal of pleasure in the simplicity of my life at the moment, other than the obvious, there is nothing stressful. Its all good, clean wholesome living and I am starting to feel an inner calm, its nice. My life for the past 13 or so years has been the biggest roller coaster ride, the craziest things have happened and I have been through such a lot. This time now has literally been like a medicine for me. I was mentally and physically drained but gradually my zest for life is being revived.
Despite coming here for a break, I seem to have crammed my schedule full to bursting, I am working in the local pub around 30hrs which I love and is a brilliant way to get to know the locals, find out the gossip and to generally start to fit in, I volunteer at the primary school around 20hrs a week which I am also enjoying and learning a lot. I am also volunteering at the local swimming group and am training to be a coach! Plus I have some work for a friend and I am about to start a GCSE so all in all I am more busy than I was before but the difference being everything I do now makes me happy. In between all of this I am fitting in as much gym, horse riding and dog walking/running as I can! I don't know where I'm fitting in the resting though but never mind!
Life in the country is suiting my soul
As for becoming a local, that is a long way off but I love that everywhere I go, people know who I am, I am starting to make friends and I can honestly say this was a good decision. I miss my friends a lot but hopefully when I have my car back and a bit more money we will be able to see plenty of each other, I'm not so far away. Not once have I looked back and regretted leaving my job. I am poor but I am happy. That to me is the most important thing. I have no idea what is around the corner, but I look forward to finding out :)
I think I have mastered the above :)
Well, the move was not without hitches, I left my job, had my phone stolen, crashed my car, moved house and scored myself a week in hospital with a nasty infection all within the space of a week! Eventually though, I ended up here in a lovely little wolds village called Hagworthingham back in the mother ship, surrounded by beautiful countryside, 20 mins from the beach and able to spend as much time as I like with my little sister. Surrounded by dogs and horses and chickens. It didn't take long for me to settle into the pace of life (it has taken a little longer to adjust to the absence of shops, cinemas, a Virgin Active etc!). I am taking a great deal of pleasure in the simplicity of my life at the moment, other than the obvious, there is nothing stressful. Its all good, clean wholesome living and I am starting to feel an inner calm, its nice. My life for the past 13 or so years has been the biggest roller coaster ride, the craziest things have happened and I have been through such a lot. This time now has literally been like a medicine for me. I was mentally and physically drained but gradually my zest for life is being revived.
Despite coming here for a break, I seem to have crammed my schedule full to bursting, I am working in the local pub around 30hrs which I love and is a brilliant way to get to know the locals, find out the gossip and to generally start to fit in, I volunteer at the primary school around 20hrs a week which I am also enjoying and learning a lot. I am also volunteering at the local swimming group and am training to be a coach! Plus I have some work for a friend and I am about to start a GCSE so all in all I am more busy than I was before but the difference being everything I do now makes me happy. In between all of this I am fitting in as much gym, horse riding and dog walking/running as I can! I don't know where I'm fitting in the resting though but never mind!
As for becoming a local, that is a long way off but I love that everywhere I go, people know who I am, I am starting to make friends and I can honestly say this was a good decision. I miss my friends a lot but hopefully when I have my car back and a bit more money we will be able to see plenty of each other, I'm not so far away. Not once have I looked back and regretted leaving my job. I am poor but I am happy. That to me is the most important thing. I have no idea what is around the corner, but I look forward to finding out :)
I think I have mastered the above :)
Monday 21 May 2012
The big E.
Today was the long anticipated/dreaded upper GI endoscopy. After 13 hours of nil by mouth I would, in fairness, have allowed anything to be done to me just to be given food lol! Having taken the decision to go sedation free but with a trail of horror stories behind me I went in there prepared for anything but also with the knowledge that the gastro guy is one of those funny, geeky guys who can be intimidated just with a bit if eye to eye contact so I was confident that should he hurt me I could have him squirming in seconds. Just on this note he is a funny fella, big and round and Indian with a very nervous disposition, the more intently you look at him the more he stutters, hours of fun to be had :)
Anyway, I was led away with the nurse and various forms were completed and the same info repeated as I already knew. I then changed into a gown and took up position on the trolly. Surrounded by equipment and screens and gowned people the nerves started to kick in but a few deep breaths and a bit of a stern word with my self and I was all good again. The lovely mother figure nurse (there is always one for these types of occassions) said soothing things and offered to hold my had. Sweet offer but I was not quite at the hand holding stage of distressed so graciously declined! Then it was all systems go, the spray was applied which made me feel like I couldn't breath but once I realised this was not a real feeling and more of an illusion created by the numbing sensation (a lot like taking poor quality cocaine but thats another story!) I was OK. Once satisfied I was numb they brought out the big toys and my mouth was kept open by a clunky plastic thing with a whole in it. Once the camera started to go down my throat I did not like the sensation and it was time to go to that special place where nothing can get to me, a skill I have developed over the years and is very useful in these situations! The whole thing was uncomfortable and unpleasant but not really painful. I wouldn't choose it as a hobby but it was fine. The good bit was I got to see my insides on the big screen, how many people get to do that?!!!
The whole thing was done and dusted in about 40mins, biopsies were take, I had left my special place and I was released back into the community like nothing ever happened. Two of my lovely friends came and met me for lunch with the 2 little ones so a few cuddles, some laughs and a banana milkshake to sooth my throat and the world was fine! My throat feels sore now but not too bad, think it may be worse tomorrow as it feels like bruising that will potentially come out some more but as I seem to have got off quite lightly with the trauma side of things I'm OK with that!
So, after a luch and a lovely catch up, I made the journey home which was the only clue the proceedure may have affected my brain as I ended up lost, twice. Goodness knows how when its a straight road and I have done it a million times but anyway. Its a good job I'm getting highlights, I definitely need to be blonde!!!
So, that was my day... All that worry for something that really was completely surmountable, this is the lesson in life I am learning time and time again. Nothing is ever as bad as your mind builds it up to be and and if you are going to have to face something then face it full on, guns blazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEZDP_NVklc&noredirect=1
This is my kind of life anthem at the moment and I think it says it all :)
Anyway, I was led away with the nurse and various forms were completed and the same info repeated as I already knew. I then changed into a gown and took up position on the trolly. Surrounded by equipment and screens and gowned people the nerves started to kick in but a few deep breaths and a bit of a stern word with my self and I was all good again. The lovely mother figure nurse (there is always one for these types of occassions) said soothing things and offered to hold my had. Sweet offer but I was not quite at the hand holding stage of distressed so graciously declined! Then it was all systems go, the spray was applied which made me feel like I couldn't breath but once I realised this was not a real feeling and more of an illusion created by the numbing sensation (a lot like taking poor quality cocaine but thats another story!) I was OK. Once satisfied I was numb they brought out the big toys and my mouth was kept open by a clunky plastic thing with a whole in it. Once the camera started to go down my throat I did not like the sensation and it was time to go to that special place where nothing can get to me, a skill I have developed over the years and is very useful in these situations! The whole thing was uncomfortable and unpleasant but not really painful. I wouldn't choose it as a hobby but it was fine. The good bit was I got to see my insides on the big screen, how many people get to do that?!!!
The whole thing was done and dusted in about 40mins, biopsies were take, I had left my special place and I was released back into the community like nothing ever happened. Two of my lovely friends came and met me for lunch with the 2 little ones so a few cuddles, some laughs and a banana milkshake to sooth my throat and the world was fine! My throat feels sore now but not too bad, think it may be worse tomorrow as it feels like bruising that will potentially come out some more but as I seem to have got off quite lightly with the trauma side of things I'm OK with that!
So, after a luch and a lovely catch up, I made the journey home which was the only clue the proceedure may have affected my brain as I ended up lost, twice. Goodness knows how when its a straight road and I have done it a million times but anyway. Its a good job I'm getting highlights, I definitely need to be blonde!!!
So, that was my day... All that worry for something that really was completely surmountable, this is the lesson in life I am learning time and time again. Nothing is ever as bad as your mind builds it up to be and and if you are going to have to face something then face it full on, guns blazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEZDP_NVklc&noredirect=1
This is my kind of life anthem at the moment and I think it says it all :)
Saturday 19 May 2012
Iron and fiddling consultants.....
So, yesterday was a hospital day for me. I know, you're surprised! Anyway, 1st had to see 'my' consultant, I say my but in actual fact I have never seen this dude before in my life and no offence to the guy, I hope I never have to see him again! I miss the simpler times when I had Mr Shafi and he knew me and I knew him and I could be confident that putting my life in his hands was the right thing to do, hey ho, things change. My 2nd appointment was to get my long awaited iron infusion! I have been promised this for weeks but each time it gets close I end up needing a blood transfusion and it gets delayed so I was very happy that it all went ahead, the 1st of many I believe but its a start :)
Looks a bit grim but hopefully it will do the trick and I can stop with my vampire activities!
Anyway, back to the consultants meeting, said meeting was ordered due to last weeks impromptu trip to A&E and the gallons of blood that were pouring out of me... I know, its a lovely image but at least YOU didn't have to wake up to this thinking perhaps you had been stabbed, secretly in the night! All the usual stuff happened at the meeting. The standard tell me whats has been happening question which infuriates me every time as I know damn well its all in the notes which are sat on the desk in front of him but for some strange reason they like to hear it from the horses mouth. This was followed by the standard prodding and poking and the examinging of areas that really should not be looked at on a 1st date! Its a good job I have no shame left! Followed by the ordering of yet more scans and the conclusion that I have yet more tissue build up that is continuosly breaking away, causing bleeding and pain and that the best option is a proceedure to remove it and another proceedure to prevent its return. Brilliant you might say, however I have heard this all before, 3 times infact! 3 times I have had this proceedure that will prevent it from happening again and yet here it is, happening again! So you will forgive me if I am somewhat reluctant to jump staright in there and let them loose on what is left of my lady bits, I think I would rather live with what I have got thank you very much.
So, that was Friday, guess what I get to do Monday, thats right, I get to go to the hospital... Yay! Monday is the big endoscope day, I have been backwards and forwards with thoughts about sedation etc but I have finally decided that I am going to go with the no sedation option, I feel comfortable with my choice and althoughI know many people will think I am off my head, I know it is right for me. This is one of those mind over matter situations, so long as I can remain relaxed it will be fine. Not feeling too nervous, just want to get it out of the way now.... I will report back on whether or not I made the right decision!
As for this weekend, it is mostly work, although I am heading out for a meal for the 1st time since my Coeliac diognosis so this could be interesting. Wish me luck on finding something I want to eat... I'm thinking you can't go wrong with a nice juicy steak... Bring it on!
So, yesterday was a hospital day for me. I know, you're surprised! Anyway, 1st had to see 'my' consultant, I say my but in actual fact I have never seen this dude before in my life and no offence to the guy, I hope I never have to see him again! I miss the simpler times when I had Mr Shafi and he knew me and I knew him and I could be confident that putting my life in his hands was the right thing to do, hey ho, things change. My 2nd appointment was to get my long awaited iron infusion! I have been promised this for weeks but each time it gets close I end up needing a blood transfusion and it gets delayed so I was very happy that it all went ahead, the 1st of many I believe but its a start :)
Anyway, back to the consultants meeting, said meeting was ordered due to last weeks impromptu trip to A&E and the gallons of blood that were pouring out of me... I know, its a lovely image but at least YOU didn't have to wake up to this thinking perhaps you had been stabbed, secretly in the night! All the usual stuff happened at the meeting. The standard tell me whats has been happening question which infuriates me every time as I know damn well its all in the notes which are sat on the desk in front of him but for some strange reason they like to hear it from the horses mouth. This was followed by the standard prodding and poking and the examinging of areas that really should not be looked at on a 1st date! Its a good job I have no shame left! Followed by the ordering of yet more scans and the conclusion that I have yet more tissue build up that is continuosly breaking away, causing bleeding and pain and that the best option is a proceedure to remove it and another proceedure to prevent its return. Brilliant you might say, however I have heard this all before, 3 times infact! 3 times I have had this proceedure that will prevent it from happening again and yet here it is, happening again! So you will forgive me if I am somewhat reluctant to jump staright in there and let them loose on what is left of my lady bits, I think I would rather live with what I have got thank you very much.
So, that was Friday, guess what I get to do Monday, thats right, I get to go to the hospital... Yay! Monday is the big endoscope day, I have been backwards and forwards with thoughts about sedation etc but I have finally decided that I am going to go with the no sedation option, I feel comfortable with my choice and althoughI know many people will think I am off my head, I know it is right for me. This is one of those mind over matter situations, so long as I can remain relaxed it will be fine. Not feeling too nervous, just want to get it out of the way now.... I will report back on whether or not I made the right decision!
As for this weekend, it is mostly work, although I am heading out for a meal for the 1st time since my Coeliac diognosis so this could be interesting. Wish me luck on finding something I want to eat... I'm thinking you can't go wrong with a nice juicy steak... Bring it on!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)